I hang suspended
Seizing opportunities until all this is over...
I’m focusing on the good things. Like the fact my new flat has turned out to be a great move, that I’m healthy again, that I haven’t seen a recurrence of my anaemia so far this year, and that all this work I’m doing is paying off the debts incurred last year when there wasn't any.
But Christ I’m tired. I’ve been home for all of 15 hours this week, eight of which I spent sleeping, and the other seven taking care of eating, laundry and life admin I couldn't do on the road. All the stuff I know as someone who has spent years working in health and fitness coaching has had to go by the wayside, and I'm clinging on by my fingertips to my forthcoming break next month. It has been six months of being unable to have any kind of routine with sleep, exercise and nutrition, or being able to spend enough time with my friends or attending social events, and I am done.
My mental health is fraying around the edges as I can feel my temper rise more readily, and I’ve had to deal with a series of unpleasant digestive episodes because I can’t control my diet; M&S Food is doing great business from all the salads and fruit I keep having to buy to avoid eating crap the whole time, and to avoid serious weight gain because I spend so much time immobile on trains and in the training room, but it’s still very processed and I’d kill to eat a meal I’ve made myself.
Business travel isn’t really travel. It’s getting yourself from A to B and being fit to deliver what you’re contracted for. That always has to be prioritised, so sightseeing and socialising often doesn't happen at all. I had hoped my frequent London stays would give me more time with friends, but dates don’t always coincide, and illness and exhaustion has put paid to a lot of potential meet ups. Each week puts my life on hold as I try to fill train journeys and hotel rooms with productive activity or something fun, if I can manage it, and I cannot wait to be mainly based in Bristol again in the second half of the year.
The main problem has been that most of the creative and artistic events I attend are during the week, so I’m either away or they finish too late for me when I have a 5.45am alarm for a train and have to be awake enough to perform in front of an audience. So I haven’t been seeing anywhere near enough of my friends and trying to fit too much into weekends when I’m home, as well as trying to recharge my battery ahead of the following week of travel and delivery. It is not sustainable and we are working hard to make sure there is better balance going forward.
It’s very important to me now that I start having more time not just to write in, but to live so that I actually have things to write about. I want to be out (or in) with my camera, I want to see things and experience them again and get inspired. I want to be around my people. I need what I do with my time to be much more aligned with who I am and what interests me; I feel like I have travelled a long way from myself these last few months. I’m chewing over a lot of ideas for possible pathways and new things to learn.
So, staying focused on the positive and things I can do to help balance out a tough first half of the year, I will:
be grateful I’ve stayed well and maintained exercise and healthy eating where I can
forgive myself for breaking my no drinking during the week rule. Sometimes a cold beer or G&T has made the difference between sanity and homicide
give thanks I have actually written a handful of poems and got that novel draft done
start signing up for more open mic nights and photography/gallery events
start going to the dance class I promised myself I would attend after I moved house, once the travel finally eases off
get going with a new photography course I start this month
follow up on contacts with other writers and creatives to collaborate with
rejuvenate Deviant with Juliet when we are both in a better position to do so
start looking long-term at the work I want to be doing and better align it with my personal goals and interests.
That feels better already. Coach, coach thyself… And in the interests of doing more open mics, you can find me reading an extract from Body of Work, my first novel, on Friday 20th June at the Pride Not Prejudice night at Waterstones Bristol Galleries (tickets are free). Hope to see some of you there.